keep fighting and i'll stay

It is exactly one year ago I was in a relationship with my ex 
Yes, we've broken up on the 20th June 2016 and
yes of course i remembered it 
He broken my heart into pieces and idk how to put it back to pieces 

Until i knew him...
idk when this started 
maybe from the time he held me when i almost fall
that's when i realized i'm in a fucking deep shit
we never stopped messaging each other 
and seeing him almost everyday... 

but now, it stopped
we stop talking everyday
tho i really hates him but at the same time i like him
idk what to do 
idk whether if i should stay or let go
he's giving me reasons to let go 
but i keep finding reasons to stay 

he don't even know why he likes me either 
he said he has nothing to offer to me tbh 
and now idk where this would lead us to 

follow the flow? how?? 
yes, he hurt me in many ways mentally 
he does know my feelings but he always acts like he don't know 
because he's afraid to hold the responsibilities i guess 
but what does that makes me? 

he made me look like a fool waiting for him 
when he doesn't even plan to do anything in the first place
where does that puts me in his place? 

he made is sound like he's giving up 
if he is doing so, i'll let go and maybe he'll find someone better... 
but if he's willing to fight, i'll stay definitely
i can't really express my feelings properly to anyone and idk how 
i'm just confused and it's fucking complicated right now....

all i know is i fucking wanted you... i really did...

it has always been you....

Remain...

People often asked me "Why the fuck are you still with him?"

My friends who known me well, know that with my personality, 

I couldn't stand it and will often choose to leave.

But yesterday, I learnt something from a friend of mine whom I got close recently. 

He said, liking someone and loving someone are totally different.
Both bring different meanings. 

He said, love is not all about buying flowers and saying I love you. 

It's about making your partner stronger. 

Grow together. Make plans together. Motivate each other. Now, that's love. 

Not every relationships are perfect. In fact, none are perfect. 

Somehow, at this moment, I blamed myself apparently.
For hoping and expecting too much which in the end, I hurt myself. 

I accept for who he is and how he is.
He have his wrongs, so do I. I can't always see it from my point of view. 

I know somehow, it's gonna get easier but not today. 

I don't know how to say it but I just hope he'll learn to tell me everything instead of keeping it. 

Because I can't tell what he feels. 

Whenever he's pissed or angry, I have no idea. 

But for him, I'll stay. No matter how long it is, I'll wait and I'll stay.

"You know you can trust me right? 

  Learn to tell me things. 

  Learn to be honest with me. 

  Learn to complaint even if it's not necessary to me.

  Learn to tell me your problems. 

  I'm here for a reason.
  We are together for a reason.
  I know I'm not the perfect girlfriend and I can never be the perfect one,

  But for all I know, I'll try. No matter what, for you, I'll try."

Iloveyou.

Selcouth 2

"And all she could do is just stare at his face. Up close. 'Beautiful.', she said.

      'What?', he asked. At that moment, it felt like the time stops. Just the two of them staring. 

   Her staring into his ocean blue eyes, the most captivating eyes she's seen. 

       Attracted. Captivated. Tempted. Enchanted."

"Up close looking at her freckles. She's the most beautiful of all. 'Beautiful', he thought. 

    He heard her voice and almost fell on his knees because it was the most soothing sweet voice,

  he has ever heard. He stared at her. Both of them looking into each other's eyes. 

      Him staring into the most attractive beautiful hazel eyes he's seen.
  Attracted. Captivated. Tempted. Desired."

Unveils the ordinary.

enamoured

Have you ever fall so hard in love with someone till you kept thinking about him/her everyday?

or even every hours, every minutes, every seconds.
Of course it sounds crazy but really tbh, I can't spend a second without thinking about him. 

Oh btw, he's my first official boyfriend whom I really can't let go.
I might seems or maybe sounds crazy but he's different from anyone.
I like every single thing about him and love him to the moon and never coming back

but sometimes I feel that he's not that into me as much as I am 

or maybe I'm thinking too much

He's the first who made me feel safe and secure,

   first to make me feel like I'm the world to him,

   first who made my first kiss full with love,

   first who made me feel butterflies in my tummy,

   first to be known by my family,

   first who made me feel wanted and love,

   first guy I love and, my

   first love.

He may not be the perfect one as he's completely not romantic at all,

he's sometimes clueless at what I'm trying to say to him.
There are many stuffs I want to tell him but sometimes I can't.
As you see, I'm someone who can't be straightforward,
I can't tell stuffs right away as some people.

How I wish I could tbh. 

Sometimes I really just want to yell to his face telling him that I miss him so much.
But I hold back all the time. 

You see, I am clingy but I tried not to be because I want to give him space

just like how he gave me and I'm afraid I'll annoy him.
I want to text or even call him all the time but I hold back.

The urge to talk to him and listen to his voice.
His playfulness is absolutely cute. 

He's all I want but I don't know what he thinks about me deep down.
Is he afraid of losing me just like I am or not?
Does he think of me as much I think of him? 

But all he needs to know is that no matter how hard it is, I'll always love him. 

"I love you."