Chances...

have u ever felt ever so in love that u couldn't stop looking at them? 

honestly, i do

and it feels amazing tbh

that happiness when u don't feel it for a long time 

but obviously there will be days there won't be any happiness

there are days that will be dark and black and depressed

some days u just want the world to swallow u up 

some days u just feel like dying 

it's not because of them but sometimes it's just the inner us

the demon inside me

i still can't find the words to define it 

to describe it 

the urge to destroy myself every time 

it comes 

i wanna kill myself so badly at times 

i love him i really fucking do 

but sometimes idk if it's just me 

the things he's hiding from me 

made me feel insecure 

made me feel useless 

made me overthink 

made me feel like i'm not good enough for him

i wanna run away sometimes

to run away from all these poison, 

toxic, dangerous thinking 

i did something i don't think i can forgive myself 

i checked his phone 

is it wrong? i do find him suspicious previously 

how when i looked at him and he switch it off instantly

avoiding me from looking 

that's when i did something that i hated most

i knew i will find something that will hurt me 

yet, i still did it and i found things that is hurting me now

i'm sorry, i didn't mean it 

it's not that i don't trust u

i am supposed to trust u

but looking at how things have changed 

u too have changed 

i am afraid one day someone just come to ur life 

and that's when i'll be gone from ur heart 

that's what i'm really afraid 

i am afraid there comes a day where 

u realized u no longer feel the same as me 

what would become of me? 

everyday i am thinking 

who would i become without u

what am i gonna do without u 

where shall i move on to without u 

how am i suppose to go on without u 

but right now all i can do is 

to cry beside u without u knowing 

to support u when u needed it the most

to tolerate u when things go bad with us

to care for u when u're at ur worst 

to grow old with u hoping we'll go far forever 

and most importantly to love u through all the bad days and good days

  

Dear, You.

well, it has been a long time since i last wrote something here

and finally, i'm here back again with updates

from my previous post you can read whereby i talked about the guy i have feelings for

yup, we're together now few days after i posted that previous post 

it's been months since we're together 

and honestly, i wouldn't trade this relationship for anything or with anyone 

there are ups and downs in a relationship as none is perfect 

we argue a lot basically almost every week 

relationships without arguments are unhealthy 

but relationships with too many arguments are unhealthy too 

i know my own flaws which are the cause of our arguments

you see, anxiety don't just go away as well as depression 

but the thing is, you took it like it's nothing even when i told you about it 

i said to give me some time to change yes, i said that many time 

i am trying to change but how do you make anxiety to go away? 

i told you i needed you by my side, you said you were but were u really there? 

i know you said you're not used to being in a relationship as i'm your second one

and you don't have much experience in dating 

but all i need you is to be there for me 

even when i'm in a mess

even when i start over thinking shits 

even when i got mad over little things 

i know i need to be independent in these kinds of things 

to know how to control my emotions and deal with it 

but you have to know that i get insecure easily by now

yet u said you know me very well? i don't think you do, babe

everything you do, everything you said, i think it through 

it is my fault for overthinking everything when you're already mine 

but i need you to comfort me and assure me that everything's still okay 

i know i'm hard to deal with, i'm trouble for you, i made things complicated for you 

to be honest, i'm just afraid one day, you'll wake up and decide you don't love me anymore

i'm afraid of losing you 

do you love me? 

i always asked that question and it seems hard for you to answer it 

that's why i keep doubting of your love towards me 

i know you'll say what's so important in saying it 

but it is that important because i don't know when i'll be gone one day or maybe tomorrow

those 3 words will make everything better, trust me

but i guess it's hard for you to trust me as well

I love you.