Chances...

have u ever felt ever so in love that u couldn't stop looking at them? 

honestly, i do

and it feels amazing tbh

that happiness when u don't feel it for a long time 

but obviously there will be days there won't be any happiness

there are days that will be dark and black and depressed

some days u just want the world to swallow u up 

some days u just feel like dying 

it's not because of them but sometimes it's just the inner us

the demon inside me

i still can't find the words to define it 

to describe it 

the urge to destroy myself every time 

it comes 

i wanna kill myself so badly at times 

i love him i really fucking do 

but sometimes idk if it's just me 

the things he's hiding from me 

made me feel insecure 

made me feel useless 

made me overthink 

made me feel like i'm not good enough for him

i wanna run away sometimes

to run away from all these poison, 

toxic, dangerous thinking 

i did something i don't think i can forgive myself 

i checked his phone 

is it wrong? i do find him suspicious previously 

how when i looked at him and he switch it off instantly

avoiding me from looking 

that's when i did something that i hated most

i knew i will find something that will hurt me 

yet, i still did it and i found things that is hurting me now

i'm sorry, i didn't mean it 

it's not that i don't trust u

i am supposed to trust u

but looking at how things have changed 

u too have changed 

i am afraid one day someone just come to ur life 

and that's when i'll be gone from ur heart 

that's what i'm really afraid 

i am afraid there comes a day where 

u realized u no longer feel the same as me 

what would become of me? 

everyday i am thinking 

who would i become without u

what am i gonna do without u 

where shall i move on to without u 

how am i suppose to go on without u 

but right now all i can do is 

to cry beside u without u knowing 

to support u when u needed it the most

to tolerate u when things go bad with us

to care for u when u're at ur worst 

to grow old with u hoping we'll go far forever 

and most importantly to love u through all the bad days and good days

  

Dear, You.

well, it has been a long time since i last wrote something here

and finally, i'm here back again with updates

from my previous post you can read whereby i talked about the guy i have feelings for

yup, we're together now few days after i posted that previous post 

it's been months since we're together 

and honestly, i wouldn't trade this relationship for anything or with anyone 

there are ups and downs in a relationship as none is perfect 

we argue a lot basically almost every week 

relationships without arguments are unhealthy 

but relationships with too many arguments are unhealthy too 

i know my own flaws which are the cause of our arguments

you see, anxiety don't just go away as well as depression 

but the thing is, you took it like it's nothing even when i told you about it 

i said to give me some time to change yes, i said that many time 

i am trying to change but how do you make anxiety to go away? 

i told you i needed you by my side, you said you were but were u really there? 

i know you said you're not used to being in a relationship as i'm your second one

and you don't have much experience in dating 

but all i need you is to be there for me 

even when i'm in a mess

even when i start over thinking shits 

even when i got mad over little things 

i know i need to be independent in these kinds of things 

to know how to control my emotions and deal with it 

but you have to know that i get insecure easily by now

yet u said you know me very well? i don't think you do, babe

everything you do, everything you said, i think it through 

it is my fault for overthinking everything when you're already mine 

but i need you to comfort me and assure me that everything's still okay 

i know i'm hard to deal with, i'm trouble for you, i made things complicated for you 

to be honest, i'm just afraid one day, you'll wake up and decide you don't love me anymore

i'm afraid of losing you 

do you love me? 

i always asked that question and it seems hard for you to answer it 

that's why i keep doubting of your love towards me 

i know you'll say what's so important in saying it 

but it is that important because i don't know when i'll be gone one day or maybe tomorrow

those 3 words will make everything better, trust me

but i guess it's hard for you to trust me as well

I love you. 

keep fighting and i'll stay

It is exactly one year ago I was in a relationship with my ex 
Yes, we've broken up on the 20th June 2016 and
yes of course i remembered it 
He broken my heart into pieces and idk how to put it back to pieces 

Until i knew him...
idk when this started 
maybe from the time he held me when i almost fall
that's when i realized i'm in a fucking deep shit
we never stopped messaging each other 
and seeing him almost everyday... 

but now, it stopped
we stop talking everyday
tho i really hates him but at the same time i like him
idk what to do 
idk whether if i should stay or let go
he's giving me reasons to let go 
but i keep finding reasons to stay 

he don't even know why he likes me either 
he said he has nothing to offer to me tbh 
and now idk where this would lead us to 

follow the flow? how?? 
yes, he hurt me in many ways mentally 
he does know my feelings but he always acts like he don't know 
because he's afraid to hold the responsibilities i guess 
but what does that makes me? 

he made me look like a fool waiting for him 
when he doesn't even plan to do anything in the first place
where does that puts me in his place? 

he made is sound like he's giving up 
if he is doing so, i'll let go and maybe he'll find someone better... 
but if he's willing to fight, i'll stay definitely
i can't really express my feelings properly to anyone and idk how 
i'm just confused and it's fucking complicated right now....

all i know is i fucking wanted you... i really did...

it has always been you....

Remain...

People often asked me "Why the fuck are you still with him?"

My friends who known me well, know that with my personality, 

I couldn't stand it and will often choose to leave.

But yesterday, I learnt something from a friend of mine whom I got close recently. 

He said, liking someone and loving someone are totally different.
Both bring different meanings. 

He said, love is not all about buying flowers and saying I love you. 

It's about making your partner stronger. 

Grow together. Make plans together. Motivate each other. Now, that's love. 

Not every relationships are perfect. In fact, none are perfect. 

Somehow, at this moment, I blamed myself apparently.
For hoping and expecting too much which in the end, I hurt myself. 

I accept for who he is and how he is.
He have his wrongs, so do I. I can't always see it from my point of view. 

I know somehow, it's gonna get easier but not today. 

I don't know how to say it but I just hope he'll learn to tell me everything instead of keeping it. 

Because I can't tell what he feels. 

Whenever he's pissed or angry, I have no idea. 

But for him, I'll stay. No matter how long it is, I'll wait and I'll stay.

"You know you can trust me right? 

  Learn to tell me things. 

  Learn to be honest with me. 

  Learn to complaint even if it's not necessary to me.

  Learn to tell me your problems. 

  I'm here for a reason.
  We are together for a reason.
  I know I'm not the perfect girlfriend and I can never be the perfect one,

  But for all I know, I'll try. No matter what, for you, I'll try."

Iloveyou.

Selcouth 2

"And all she could do is just stare at his face. Up close. 'Beautiful.', she said.

      'What?', he asked. At that moment, it felt like the time stops. Just the two of them staring. 

   Her staring into his ocean blue eyes, the most captivating eyes she's seen. 

       Attracted. Captivated. Tempted. Enchanted."

"Up close looking at her freckles. She's the most beautiful of all. 'Beautiful', he thought. 

    He heard her voice and almost fell on his knees because it was the most soothing sweet voice,

  he has ever heard. He stared at her. Both of them looking into each other's eyes. 

      Him staring into the most attractive beautiful hazel eyes he's seen.
  Attracted. Captivated. Tempted. Desired."

Unveils the ordinary.

enamoured

Have you ever fall so hard in love with someone till you kept thinking about him/her everyday?

or even every hours, every minutes, every seconds.
Of course it sounds crazy but really tbh, I can't spend a second without thinking about him. 

Oh btw, he's my first official boyfriend whom I really can't let go.
I might seems or maybe sounds crazy but he's different from anyone.
I like every single thing about him and love him to the moon and never coming back

but sometimes I feel that he's not that into me as much as I am 

or maybe I'm thinking too much

He's the first who made me feel safe and secure,

   first to make me feel like I'm the world to him,

   first who made my first kiss full with love,

   first who made me feel butterflies in my tummy,

   first to be known by my family,

   first who made me feel wanted and love,

   first guy I love and, my

   first love.

He may not be the perfect one as he's completely not romantic at all,

he's sometimes clueless at what I'm trying to say to him.
There are many stuffs I want to tell him but sometimes I can't.
As you see, I'm someone who can't be straightforward,
I can't tell stuffs right away as some people.

How I wish I could tbh. 

Sometimes I really just want to yell to his face telling him that I miss him so much.
But I hold back all the time. 

You see, I am clingy but I tried not to be because I want to give him space

just like how he gave me and I'm afraid I'll annoy him.
I want to text or even call him all the time but I hold back.

The urge to talk to him and listen to his voice.
His playfulness is absolutely cute. 

He's all I want but I don't know what he thinks about me deep down.
Is he afraid of losing me just like I am or not?
Does he think of me as much I think of him? 

But all he needs to know is that no matter how hard it is, I'll always love him. 

"I love you."

  

Selcouth

"She's lost in her own world that she's ignorant of what people tells her. Cigarettes. Drugs.
  Everything is losing control. She's so lost yet confused no knowing what to do. Nobody's

  there for her.

        She saw him. Love at first sight? Barely. Touche. Cliche. They said. But she thought
   'What do they know?' Her world was put back into pieces knowing someone she's got her
    back on. Is it that simple?"


"He saw her. Beautiful? Broken? Flaws? She was perfect to him. Love at first sight doesn't  exist they said. 'Bullshit', he thought. He too was too broken. Lost in his own world just  like her. But they were clueless. 

         Looking. Staring. Talking. Not even close. He did the most unexpected.  'Accidentally' spilled coffee. Cliche. But it works. He saw her up-closed. She looked at         him. He knew. He fell for the most exotic, broken, rare yet marvelous and beautiful girl   he's ever seen. Wanted to find out more. To explore her."

Escape the ordinary.